Selfishness is Good for Your Marriage

Posted on January 26, 2012 by april
A Happy Couple

Me for Us

A Little Selfishness Can Go a Long Way In a Happy Marriage 

Selfish? In a marriage? You heard that right. There are lots and lots of articles out there entreating you not to be selfish in your marriage, but not many talk about how it might be good to be just a little selfish in your marriage. Just a little. In fact, just a little selfishness, practiced on a regular basis, can make you happier and healthier, and it can make your spouse happier and healthier, too.

 Take care of yourself

Marriage is about giving, right? Not quite. Actually, marriage is about give and take. And sometimes, even though it’s great to be in a relationship with your soul mate, giving to that other person selflessly, you’re not going to keep the balance right forever if you don’t take some time out for yourself, too. Take some time to indulge just for yourself, whether it be some time alone to watch a favorite movie that your spouse doesn’t like, a long soak in the tub, a spinning class, whatever you want it to be.

Stay independent

It’s great and even absolutely necessary to have your spouse weigh in on decisions that are going to affect both of you. However, make sure you stay independent and do things completely on your own, without consulting your spouse, at least on occasion. You do this to stay flexible and self-sufficient; if you quit doing this, you are eventually going to forget how if you are in a long-term relationship, such that you won’t have the skill to think for yourself when you need it. Therefore, make sure you make some decisions just on your own without consulting your spouse every so often. Of course, those decisions should be decisions that affect only you and should not negatively impact shared finances.

Just say “no”

It happens; one in the relationship can become the person who does everything. Whether you’re simply assuming more of the workload than you should in terms of household chores or financial support without even being asked to do so, for example, or it’s become a situation whereby you simply began taking orders from everyone else in the family, learn how to say “no.” That’ll do a couple of things for you.

The first thing it’ll do for you is to give you some breathing space. If you’ve been running around doing everybody else’s bidding (or simply assuming more of the responsibility than you should), you’ll suddenly have time to take for yourself and think for yourself. Stop and take a deep breath and slow down.

The second thing this will do for you is that it will show everyone else how much they can do for themselves. Unfortunately, the people we love can learn to be helpless if they never get to do for themselves. By making your spouse, your children, or other loved ones do for themselves, you’ll be giving them a great gift, the gift of their own self-sufficiency. At the same time, you’ll get some time to consider what you really want to do; it’s a way to be loving to others and self-loving at the same time.

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Spending Enough Time Together

Posted on January 23, 2012 by april
A couple sitting by a swimming pool

Spending Time Together

It happens to almost everyone: The kids, your jobs, housework — it all adds up so that before you know it, you’re so busy that you and your spouse are like ships passing in the night. And then it happens: Suddenly, you don’t know each other anymore, and you wonder just how things got this way.

Time is of the essence — but not in the way that you think

One of the things couples can do to help keep this from happening is to simply take some time to spend together on a daily basis. This isn’t necessarily about physical intimacy, although that’s important as well. It’s really and truly just about time. Simply taking time to spend with each other on a daily basis is something that too many people overlook, until they don’t know each other any more; at that point, it may be too late, and for some people, the only option then is to separate or even divorce.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Spending a little time together on a daily basis can be pretty simple, as long as you actually take the time to do it. You don’t have to spend hours together, and you don’t have to have planned special events. These things are wonderful in their own right, true, but the simple act of spending a little time together every day so that you connected as a couple is enough.

A half an hour a day is all it takes

Make a firm commitment that at least three to five times a week, you’re going to get together and do something (or nothing) together for half an hour. Make it simple so that there doesn’t have to be any planning (if you do that, it’ll just be one more thing on your plate, and you’ll end up being resentful about it). Some ideas: Watch a favorite TV show together; talk; cook, have dinner, and clean up together (without the kids); take a walk just before sunset; take turns reading a favorite book to each other; and so on.

Simple makes it special

So many couples make the mistake of thinking that “occasions” are all-important — the anniversary dinner, a birthday celebration, a weekend getaway to a romantic bed-and-breakfast — and they are. But it’s the simple, small things, done every day, that really add up. Think about this. If you spend a half an hour a day simply staying in touch and acquainted with each other in these simple ways, those “special times” (like the anniversary dinner) will be even more special.

Make it an unbreakable “date”

There are going to be times, of course, when you can’t get together for your special half-hour, such as if one of you is away on a business trip or a family crisis happens. However, make it an unbreakable date except in the most dire of circumstances. Once you commit to this time together, you’ll find yourself wondering what you ever did without it. If you have to break this date, make sure to have a make up date and make it special every time. When you really want to make your date an extra spicy, try some erotic lingerie that will sure loved by both of you.

 

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“Giving Gifts”: the Differences between Men and Women

Posted on January 22, 2012 by april
A man is giving gift to his wife

Thank you for the present

If you’re a woman, has this ever happened you? It’s your birthday, and you expect your significant other to come sweeping in with chocolates, roses, a romantic card, and maybe even some pretty diamond bauble or some sexy lingerie. When your significant other arrives, however, he presents you with a clumsily wrapped package and an enthusiastic, “Happy birthday! I got this for you!” Confused, maybe even a little angry, you open it to find… a blender.

Or, if you’re a man, have you ever been confused by the fact that your girlfriend or wife seems to be so excited about getting or giving presents “just because”? And are you ever just completely puzzled by her reaction when you get her something nice and truly practical for her birthday, thinking she’ll be excited, only to find she might be hurt or even angry?

You’re not alone; this happens to a lot of couples, and it’s because there are true differences in the way men and women perceive gift-giving — both in terms of what it means to the gift giver, and the gift recipient.

 About women and gifts

  •  She gives for the fun of it

To a woman, it’s fun to see the surprise on people’s faces when they open and truly enjoy the gifts they get. Assuming money isn’t a problem, she doesn’t think a lot about the price when she gets a gift, either. She’ll see something for you, her husband or significant other, and will think, “Perfect!” It’s not so much about the gift as it is about the experience of enjoyment she gets in giving the gift, and in seeing your enjoyment when you open it.

About men and gifts

  •  He doesn’t see the point in spending a lot of money on things that will spoil or die

While shelling out some big bucks to buy a big-screen TV that the two of you can enjoy together probably won’t make him blink, he’s not going to see the point in spending a lot of money on flowers that are going to die, or chocolates that are going to get eaten up right away, anyway. Men are typically pretty frugal about what they spend on gift-giving, although they’ll spend as much as they need to get something they think the recipient truly needs.

  •  He’s practical

The next time you get a clumsily wrapped bathrobe and furry slippers for Christmas or your birthday instead of some sexy lingerie, take a closer look at them. They really are “sexy lingerie,” in disguise. If your relationship is on the rocks, you may indeed be right that he simply wants to tell you that he doesn’t find you sexy anymore, but if your relationship is good, he’s telling you that he really cares about you. It’s just that he’s practical. If he sees that you really do need a new robe and slippers, for example, he’ll think that’s a great gift for the next gift-giving occasion. Presto, perfect gift, right? So instead of crying over the fact that it’s not sexy lingerie, take a look at the thoughtfulness behind it. If his face is shining with happiness when he presents it to you, it’s because he loves you and wants to make you happy — and that’s what is really important.

 

 

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Fighting Again? How to Call a Truce – For Good

Posted on January 21, 2012 by april
A couple in distress

Fight Again?

If it always seems like you and your spouse are at each other’s throats, you’re not alone. Many couples fight, and some couples fight all the time – some even claim that it’s a path to communication for them. If that’s true for you, maybe there’s really nothing to worry about and it’s a case of you simply liking to “express yourself.” As long as you can do that without hurting anybody (including your spouse, in that he or she is agreeable to it), carry on.

However, with so many people, fighting is a way of life they don’t want, and they want it to stop. How can you do that, though, especially if you’ve been doing this for years? Fortunately, there is hope.

Start over: learn to say “time out”

If you’ve been fighting this way for years, chances are you’re simply stuck in a situation you don’t want to be in when a fight starts; you may not know how to get out. So, before your next fight, sit down with your spouse and plan what to do when the fighting starts. A good way to defuse the situation early on is to simply have a timeout option in place; when one spouse says, “Time out,” each has to agree to close your respective corners. By doing this, you’re not pointing fingers; rather, you are simply taking a break to gather your thoughts and come together again from a different perspective, with calmer heads. This one step alone can work significantly to reset behavior for both of you so that you’re not stuck in the same old fighting patterns that have never worked.

Take a deep breath

If one of you is meek and the other one jumps right in and attempts to dominate the more passive partner, stop and take a deep breath as soon as you see that happening. (If you’re the passive partner, this is a good time to begin to learn to assert yourself just a little bit — not to win the argument, but to slow things down so that an argument doesn’t become a useless fight for power.)

It may take a little bit to establish this new way of arguing, but once you get these two steps down, you can work on truly resolving things so that arguments don’t keep happening.

Focus on the issue

You may not be able to focus on the issue for a particular fight until you learn how to slow down and take a deep breath. Once you can do this, though, it’s a good idea to say, “Stop,” and then restate the issue that you’re fighting about before things proceed to a point of no return. If you quit attacking each other — or deflecting by trying to dominate or be passive –you can truly focus on what’s wrong, so that you can fix it.

Be respectful

Above all, remember that you married your spouse in love. Is being right truly worth hurt feelings and discord? Think about that the next time you want to be “right,” and decide whether agreeing to disagree might be better instead.

 

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Characteristics of Successful Marriages and Relationships

Posted on January 20, 2012 by april

We hear all the time that married people are happier than single people, but that’s not quite true. What is true is that happily married people (or committed couples in long-term relationships) are generally happier than single people. The key to happy marriage can differ a little bit from couple to couple, but in general, happy marriages or long-term relationships have the following things in common:

Partners continually express affection for each other

It doesn’t matter whether or not they’ve had a fight the night before and might still be ruffled; spouses or long-term partners who stay together for the long haul continually express affection for each other. Whether it’s saying “I love you” (and really meaning it) on a regular basis, really kissing each other a couple of times a day (not just a perfunctory peck), exchanging a special glance, touching hands or affectionately tapping when they pass, or contentedly holding hands when they’re sitting still side-by-side, small displays of affection are a constant in most happy couples’ relationships.

Partners always respect each other

It’s really easy to say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment, but even during arguments, happily married couples are careful to respect each other in that they don’t humiliate each other. They fight fair even when they’re angry.

Partners put their relationships at the center of their existences

It seems that these days, people sometimes get married “just because there’s nothing better to do,” or because they think they have to. No-fault divorce has made it easy to get out of such failed relationships, but real, lasting marriages don’t make these mistakes. Happily “together” couples know that marriage or committed long-term relationships require attention and firm commitment, and they don’t enter into it lightly. Further, they put each other first, spending quality time together and making sure they have time to enjoy each other’s company on a regular basis, no matter the other demands they face.

Partners overlook each other’s minor faults

Happily married or committed people know that they have faults, and that their spouses or significant others do, too. However, they don’t make these faults any bigger than they have to be. While significant “faults” like a violent temper or extreme selfishness can (and should) break a relationship in many cases, successful couples know that minor faults can and should be overlooked simply because everyone has them, and they’re a part of human nature.

Partners respect each other’s individuality

It might surprise you to know that a marriage or long-term relationship can actually be made stronger if each person within the relationship retains his or her individuality and sense of personhood. In other words, it’s not particularly wise to “lose yourself in” the relationship if you want a successful long-term relationship. Successful couples know that expressing one’s feelings freely and working together for mutual compromise if necessary is much healthier than simply having one spouse or the other “give in” on a regular basis.

When conflict arises, the focus is resolution

When conflict arises, successful couples know that the focus is on resolution, not on being “right” and making the other person wrong. Done right, resolving conflict can actually deepen a couple’s relationship, instead of driving a wedge between spouses. The key is to focus on the conflict as something that has to be resolved fairly for both sides, not on “winning” and making the other person lose.

Another thing about happily married people, they are passionate for each other. They know or seek to increase their passions. They find time to be together and usually enjoy each other company. When the fire is low they quickly add more fuel like the use of sexy lingerie into the mix.

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