“Constructive” Criticism: Is It Really Necessary?

Posted on February 24, 2012 by april
Boring expression by a mime artist

What did I do, again?

We’ve all seen them: Those couples who can’t seem to pay compliments to each other no matter what they do. Instead, they criticize each other constantly (or maybe one spouse does it to the other exclusively); when the recipient of that criticism says, “Stop criticizing!” or, “You hurt my feelings,” the person giving the criticism says, “I’m just trying to help.”

The problem is, this type of criticizing never helps. Even if there is a particular problem that needs to be addressed, criticism isn’t the way. If you’re a target of criticism, it can make you feel bad about yourself, and drain you of any energy so that you don’t want to fix whatever it is you’re struggling with, even if a problem does exist. And if you’re the one doing the criticizing, you may feel frustrated because you’re not being listened to, but it’s probably the criticism that’s causing your spouse to shut down. Simply, criticism doesn’t work, even if it’s considered “constructive.”

 What can you do about criticism?

  •  If you’re the one criticizing

If your spouse has a bad habit that he or she simply can’t break (like being careless about putting clothes in the hamper), has put on a few pounds you like to see gone, etc., stop and think for a moment. If you were being criticized constantly, wouldn’t you be resentful and want to shut down, too? That’s not the way to change behavior.

One way to address those problems is simply to ignore them if they’re relatively small and begin to focus on the positive things about your spouse instead. Try paying a compliment once in a while. In addition, take a careful look at yourself: Chances are, you’ve got your own bad habits or faults you need to be address, too — and if you are not being criticized for them, it’s because your spouse has decided not to. Try being as considerate yourself. You’ll both be happier for it.

  •  If you’re the one being criticized

It’s horrible to constantly be criticized by someone you love, of course. Don’t be afraid to deflect the criticism; even if there are problems you need to address, criticism isn’t the way. If a spouse is constantly criticizing you, stop accepting it. Instead, say something (gently) to the effect of, “I’m not going to let you talk to me like that.” Don’t engage and escalate the situation; simply walk away.

Of course, you may have faults you need to work on, and everyone does. Chances are, the spouse doing the criticizing has faults that need to be taken care of, too. The key is to make your faults your own “project,” instead of accepting criticism for them.

When it’s serious

That said, if you or your spouse have a serious problem like an addiction, you’re not going to be able to handle this yourself. Criticizing an addict isn’t going to help, but it’s not something the non-addicted spouse should put up with, either. In that case, you need professional help, and you need it right away. Alcoholics Anonymous and other similar groups are completely free of charge and can be a place to start. If or your spouse is the enabler, you can get help with that, too.

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Life is too short to get upset especially with your spouse. Remember this “whatever happened it will pass no matter how bad it feel at the time.” Talk it over and prepare to work things out and never expect a 180 degree turnaround. It’s almost always better to tweak bit by bit instead. If all else fail, a quality time that involve a pair of sexy bra and panties match set will cure almost all of relationship hiccup.

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Should You Be Honest with Each Other about Past Relationships?

Posted on February 23, 2012 by april

 

Bride and Groom arguing

Why Didn't You Tell Me?

You’ve done it; you have found the man or woman of your dreams, and you’re exceedingly happy together.  Maybe you’re even planning on getting married or making some other type of permanent commitment.  Couples sometimes think that they should be completely honest with each other about past relationships as a means to get to know each other better, and that’s something to think about. Should you bring up past boyfriends/girlfriends before you settle down together permanently?

Or maybe you’ve been happily married for a while, and have never brought it up, but have thought you should talk about past relationships.  Regardless, the same question applies: Should you be honest with each other and talk about past boyfriends or girlfriends?

The answer in either situation is, “It depends.”  If both of you are completely open-minded and are well aware of each other’s past lives, and you feel it’s important to do so, then it’s absolutely true that you should tell each other about past relationships you’ve had.  Some couples thrive on it, in fact, since they want to know everything about each other — absolutely everything.  If you’re unsure, though, take a moment and pause before you decide.  Here are some questions you raise with each other before you decide to divulge the details about past relationships you’ve had before the one you’re sharing now:

Are you both comfortable talking about this?

For some people, the past really does need to stay in the past.  If either you or your spouse is uncomfortable talking about past relationships (both the good and bad), it’s perfectly fine to agree to keep it in the past and not talk about it.  However, if you both want to know everything about each other (and as long as you both realize that this may mean some discomfort and even minor jealousies on a temporary basis), by all means, do so. It all depends on whether or not you are both comfortable talking about the past — and how important it is that you do so.

Is either of you prone to jealousy?

If either of you is prone to jealousy, it may be best to leave the past in the past.  If you’re an adult and you’re just getting into a relationship with your soon-to-be spouse or significant other, now, it’s probably true that both of you have had past relationships.  Just knowing that may be enough — and that’s especially true if you’re prone to jealousy and it will ruin things to hear about past boyfriends, girlfriends, etc.

Do you both share the same values about physical intimacy?

For many people, the answer to this question is “yes,” but if one of you has determined that physical intimacy should wait until engagement or marriage, and the other has always thought that physical intimacy was an important part of a relationship even without marriage, that may mean that you will have some conflict in this arena.  In this case, it may be best to leave past relationships in the past, to avoid any difficulty.

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Remember that the most important thing is that you’re together now. Let’s keep focusing on the present and enjoy each other company, go on vacation together, spend time talking to each other, watching a re-run of your favorite TV show. When you’re ready to explore new side of life try one of these sexy adult costumes for a nice change.

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Is Your Spouse an Emotional Vampire?

Posted on February 22, 2012 by april
Little vampire

Image via Wikipedia

 

 

 

Is this scenario familiar? You come home after a long day of work, and all you want to do is sit down, put your feet up, and zone out for a few minutes. As soon as you do that, though, you hear the front door open, and your spouse or significant other calls, “Honey, I’m home!” Instead of feeling excited or happy to see your beloved, though, you’re anxious and dreading what comes next. If that’s true, you may be married to an emotional vampire.

 

If you are the “victim”

 

If you are the victim of an emotional vampire, you can most certainly love your spouse. However, if you notice you always feel drained after you’ve had an interaction, or if you notice the drama is constant and elevated when he or she is around, your spouse may be a vampire. If you find yourself walking on egg shells and not bringing up certain topics because it will “set your spouse off,” you may be married or in a relationship with an emotional vampire.

 

What does an emotional vampire do?

 

There are different types of emotional vampires, but most of them show one or more of the following behaviors:

 

  •  They nag

 

Nagging is certain common problem in marriages in long-term relationships, and it can happen for the most benign of reasons. However, if the nagging happens in such a fashion that it is meant to “break you down,” that’s not healthy. These types of naggers never seem to let up. They’ll continually scold and cajole, nitpicking about tiny things or relatively unimportant requests endlessly.

 

  •  They complain or act as the victim constantly

 

This type of vampire is always complaining about things that happen to them, whining, “Poor me.” The world is against them, and they’re hapless victims. If you try to help, offering suggestions or solutions, they’ll continually find reasons why they won’t work.

 

  •  They criticize continually

 

This type of emotional vampire has a way of making you feel guilty because you didn’t do something “just right.” They’ll find a miniscule spot on your shirt or a hair out of place, and then will offer what they think is “constructive criticism” that’s “for your own good” — criticism that leaves you feeling frustrated, annoyed or hurt.

 

  •  They are self-obsessed

 

The self-obsessed emotional vampire thinks that everything is about him or her. Whenever you begin to talk about you, inevitably, the vampire steers the conversation to focus on him or her. The vampire doesn’t really pay attention to your needs at all, and instead focuses on him or herself almost exclusively.

 

How to fix the problem

 

If you find yourself involved in one of these situations, you can calmly but firmly say, “I know you’re trying to help, but you’re being critical right now (or you’re nagging, etc.) and I’m not going to participate in that. We’ll need to find another way to handle this.” If simply talking doesn’t work, you can simply walk away and disengage. With nothing to engage, the vampire eventually has no choice but to stop the draining behavior. Ultimately, this can slowly lead to permanent change for the better.

 

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Do Your “Love Styles” Conflict?

Posted on February 14, 2012 by april
A couple in bed with a heart-shaped box of chocolate

What's Your Love Style?

It’s probably no surprise to you that everybody loves a little bit differently. Most people love in one of the following ways — or more precisely, in a blend of two or three of the styles as listed below.

Take a look at them:

  •  Eros

Eros love is passionate, intense and intimate, with a strong sexual and emotional component. If you are prone to eros love, you want to be physically and emotionally close to the one you love, and you want to have both passion and compassion for your beloved. This is the type of love that can be typified as the exciting kind of love that occurs at the very beginning of most relationships.

  •  Ludus

This kind of “love” is most often seen as unhealthy. With ludus “love,” the person wants to be in complete control, and will likely have more than one romantic partner at a time. Those who cheat and are deceptive to their partners are often people with this type of love “style,” in which love is really a game.

  •  Storge

Storge love is a gradual, slow process of falling in love, in which before the intensity of eros can happen, first, you have to get to know someone. People who are largely storge lovers develop passion slowly, over time, first getting to know and like the object of affection (usually with no intentions of becoming romantically attached) very well. Passion can come, but only after knowing someone for a long time. That is somewhat opposite to eros love, which tends to begin with a fiery passion that can burn out, if one is not careful.

  •  Agape

Agape love is love where one wants to take care of the romantic partner. Rather than passionate love like eros or a slow falling in love like storge, agape love is nurturing, compassionate and kind, almost parental.

  •  Mania

With mania as the love style, love is almost out of control, an overwhelming experience that takes one’s breath away. All consuming, mania is actually needy and compulsive, with a quick flash of passion, but also a quick burn out. People who experience love as mania are often easily taken advantage of by people who have ludus as their style of being in love.

  •  Pragma

With pragma, “love” is practical, based on common sense, and reasonable. Choosing a suitable mate is serious business, not to be taken lightly. This doesn’t mean that love doesn’t exist eventually, but the first reason for the relationship is usually purely practical.

What love styles are you practicing in your relationship? 

Most love styles are not “good” or bad,” necessarily, just different from each other. It’s certainly true that ludus love (where love is a game, and the focus is on “winning” or on “conquest” before moving onto the next target) is probably not healthy, nor is mania. However, most people love in a blend of styles, and finding out whether or not you’re a match to your partner can make your relationship smoother and more stable. It can also tell you whether or not your relationship is meant to be long-term, sometimes. For example, if you happened to fall in love with someone who is a ludus lover, you’re probably not going to be happy long-term. Similarly, if you’re involved with someone who has a mania style, it may be entirely exhausting to be with someone in such a relationship. Most other styles are mostly a matter of preference, however. Which is yours?

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Whatever your love styles might be, you don’t have to give that up just tune it a little to your spouse and both of you will enjoy the moment together. You might want to give leather lingerie a try. It will sure to enhance your feeling of love and more.

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Be My Valentine!

Posted on February 14, 2012 by april
A Man Handed Valentine's Gift to his Girlfriend

Love You Forever..

It’s is Valentine’s Day today; what does Valentine’s Day mean to you? Does it mean getting flowers on this special day, or a box of chocolates? There’s a whole industry built around that. Or maybe it’s a special card waiting for you on your pillow, or even just a whispered, “I love you; happy Valentine’s Day” between you and your spouse when you first get up in the morning, or before you turn in at night. What does it mean to you?

Make it special – and it really is the thought that counts

Okay; we know. Much of the time, Valentine’s Day is given its significance by the females among us, rather than the males. However, you can still make it special for the both of you – even if one of you is more traditionally romantic than the other.

What says this is Valentine’s Day, more than anything else, will be that you make it special for the one you love based upon his or her likes and dislikes. So, if your beloved isn’t into flowers, exactly, but absolutely loves that cute stuffed teddy bear in the window, snatch it up and present it to her. Or, maybe your husband would like nothing more than for you to join him in bed in some sexy new lingerie with a bottle of champagne. Make your Valentine’s Day gift special, and make it uniquely for you and your beloved. You don’t have to keep the florists in business unless flowers are something you’d really like to get or give, nor worry about the neighborhood chocolatier.

Time for a fresh start

Valentine’s Day can be a great time for a fresh start, too. If you just had a tough year because the economy put a damper on your finances but things are looking up now, you and your spouse can make a pact that Valentine’s Day will be the start of a new chapter, where you refocus on each other once again.

Take a romantic night away – even if you do it at home

If you can, Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to get away. It falls on a Tuesday this year, so you might want to do something small and special on the day itself, and then plan a romantic weekend immediately after. Bed-and-breakfast establishments and hotels will fill up fast because a lot of couples probably have this same idea in mind, but you can also simply do the same romantic “getaway” at home; send the kids off to the grandparents, stock up on some bagels and cream cheese so that you’re ready for breakfast in bed on that Saturday, order out – or go out – on that Friday, and spend from Friday to Sunday completely focused on each other. Go for a walk in the woods, or sit on the porch and toast each other with some fine wine. The point is, you can make that weekend completely about the two of you, in a way you may not have since your honeymoon. Why not? It’s a perfect reason to refocus on romance, every year.

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Enhanced by ZemantaWhatever you do, always show your love everyday not just on Valentine’s Day, OK. This is directed toward you guy either you are a husband or a boyfriend we girls love to see and hear that you “Love” us. Buying us sexy lingerie from time to time is OK (we know what you are thinking) but it should be more than that e.g. a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to our whining, a helping hand when we don’t expect you to etc.

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